January 08, 2011

My Bank Job

I think that I thought my life was more interesting than it actually is when I decided to start blogging. Also what I was thinking is that I'm tired of my job and so I decided to try to become a famous blogger and never work again. I know what you're thinking. My plan is flawless. The main flaw of course being that interesting things to write about don't just happen every day. At least not anything more than a tweet's worth of writing.

I decided to go back to my old, old, old blog from when I was in high school and then used a bit in college and then super sporadically since... for, I guess, inspiration. So here's a story from last year about An Adventure I took to the bank.

I went to the bank to take out the month's rent to give to my roommate. And no, I couldn't just write her a check because, apparently, she can not handle taking a check to the bank and then writing a check for the full amount to our property management.  I later learned that she thinks that cash is a more "secure" form of payment. Even when it means making an extra trip to somewhere that sells money orders and paying for said money order. She also always gave her half to me in cash when I was taking the check to them which is awesome when, coming from someone who's a bartender, $80 worth of it in singles. AND she couldn't manage to get it to me before the first of the month because I had to always ask for it and because she would say "I get paid on friday" regardless of what day of the week the 1st fell. Did I mention that she also had a full-time job which paid her weekly? And that this job was for a FINANCIAL INSTITUTION?!?!? This girl can't keep $400 in her checking account in anticipation of the rent being due, and she handles people's money for her job. Beware world!

But I digress... Since she couldn't get me the rent on time I said that she would then have to pay the rent from now on which brings us to where my story began. Me. At the bank. Needing a pile of cash for rent. 

I wanted to use the ATM since it's way better than having to interact with a human. Talking to people usually results in me making them hate me or thinking I hate them and I'm just trying to be funny but it is lost in a mess of sarcasm. Because of this, and of course out of convenience, the number of times I've actually gone inside a bank to do any banking can probably be counted on one hand. 
Yay ATMs!
I approach the bank and walk up the the ATM and "OH NO!" Out of order?!? 
How could the world be so cruel to me? Go inside?!? I consider leaving to find a working ATM but since I didn't want to use more gas driving anywhere I sucked it up and walked inside telling myself that I could handle it.

I thought back to all those times I went to the bank with my mom when I was little and how that worked. I deduced that it would be a safe bet to use one of those withdrawal slips I used to steal because when you're little they look like fun. I filled it out with out any problems and tried to convince myself that this wouldn't be a big deal. The tellers know what they're doing and how this works even if I don't so how bad could this go?

I walk up confidently and hand him my neatly filled out slip believing that my part was done and that he would hand me a bunch of money and I could chalk it up as a "win." But then... he asks how I want it. My first thought is "in my hands?" But I was pretty sure that was not what he was asking. I knew that he meant what kind of bills such as $20s, $100s etc. This probably makes sense to any one else who gets asked this but all I could think was  "in small bills" like in the movies where banks are held up and the robbers want easily usable money. And that seemed like the wrong answer since A) I wasn't holding up the bank and 2) I didnt' particularly need or want 20s since it was for rent. 

I considered saying "In large bills" but that also sounded ridiculous to me. So I panicked and tried to stall so I could try to figure out the proper way to word it and confusedly said "what do you mean?" Yep. That's right. The college graduate  couldn't comprehend his request. But I hoped that my dumb question would result in an answer in it that would contain the wording I needed in order to answer his question. But no. He comes back with an equally vague response which was something like "what kind of bills." I guess he thought I really didn't understand his first question and he believed that this clarification would result in me giving him an answer but sadly for both of us it did not. Because I understood the question I just didn't know how to phrase my answer. 
I don't know how to talk to humans.
I stared at him for a moment while I continued to wonder how not to say "in small bills" since "in big bills" or "hundreds" just didn't seem right to me. The latter sounded better to me but the problem was that it wasn't a round number and last time I checked $85 ≠ $100 so I was worried about how he would give me the extra $85 and he would ask me another question I didn't want to answer. So I gave up on "winning" my game of "going to the bank and interacting with a human" and said, "I don't care." Which, going by the look on his face, I was sure he really appreciated. 

Let me take a moment to apologize to this poor teller who got to deal with my social ineptness who probably took this response as a slight against him. 

I tried to back pedal and remedy the situation slightly by explaining "I'm giving it to my roommate for rent so it doesn't matter." He at this point probably decided that I no longer deserved to make this decision for myself and just started counting out hundreds money. I was ashamed at my failure to act like a normal person so in yet another attempt to remedy this horrible situation I said to him, "I usually use the ATM so this is weird for me *nervous laughter*."  Yes. That's right. I told him that talking to him and making a simple decision was "weird" for me. Again, I'm sorry.


  1. hahaha I love this story. I also read the comedian's blog post you sent me and laughed hysterically.

  2. I dread to think what my first bank trip without my mommy or the ATM will be like... I'd have Boyfriend do it, but considering he's a shaved-headed white man who mumbles, I'd probably be better off doing it myself when the time comes.

  3. @Liddy: Yeah it's even worse if you're doing something not teller related. I tried it once and it did not go well.

  4. hahahaha. Oh my gosh! finally someone worst than my Boyfriend! I say tht with love. hahaha You make me laugh.

    By the way: This is Yet from 20sb on We love comments! You posted this link as your fav and I can see why! I'm loving it!

  5. @Yet: Welcome to my blog! It was so long ago that I posted that link... I was only about a month into blogging but it is still one of my favorite posts. Glad you like it!

  6. Don't worry, I don't know how to talk to humans, either. That's probably why I've only had one real good friend in my 28 years.

    Hilarious story, by the way.