March 02, 2011


A Crushing Tale

When I think back to when I've felt most embarrassed, I found that it was usually related to whatever boy I currently had a crush on. There are just infinite ways to be awkward and embarrassing in front of the opposite sex, I almost don't know why we bother. Almost. My grade in middle school consisted of a whopping 42 students.  Not a lot went on without everyone else knowing about it. As I mentioned last week I was the absolute least favorite of everyone else, outside of my small group of fellow outcasts misfits awesome people...

Ah to be a social pariah. Hasn't caused permanent ego damage at all or anything. Being so unpopular with the girls carried over to the boys. I figured out early on that any of these boys knowing I had a crush on them was not going to benefit me in anyway and would only result in potential teasing, and humiliation and would be embarrassing for the boy as well, not flattering or enticing. I decided around the 6th grade that I would no longer tell ANYONE, not even my "best friend" which of the 4 or 5 crush-worthy boys I was currently interested in. I knew that girls can't keep secrets to save their lives and no matter how much they promised, they would inevitably tell someone else and then the rest of the 41 kids would know.  I insisted that I liked NO ONE! Genius! Right? Apparently this cunning plan resulted in the theory that I was a lesbian. Idiots. But for the most part the plan worked. 

Then I went to high school. My town went to high school in the next town over along with a third near-by town. I now got the freedom of an extra 400 classmates to buffer against gossip. Also I thought that being older meant that we were mature enough to keep shit to ourselves. I guess that wasn't that big of a problem but my friends who now got to know which boys I liked also seemed to be easily bored. As much as I knew that telling any of these guys that I liked them, my friends seemed to think it was a great idea and encouraged such aggression. If He's Just Not That Into You had existed back then high school would have been a lot easier. Remember girls, if he likes you, he will ask YOU out!!! High school girls who aren't being asked out by their crushes, think that the reason for this is that they don't know they are.
In my younger days I wore denim skirts a lot.
This worked 0% of my four years in high school. One of these guys,  let's call him... Orlando Bloom, after a whole semester of being "totally in love with him" my so-called-friend Danielle convinced me that I should just tell him. 
Way cuter than the actual guy.
I concocted a flawless plan which would have him knowing that I liked him without me having to do it myself and I could pretend that I didn't condone the message. Not that I was there for it so who knows what was actually said to him. 

Ok, I am seriously laughing [albeit, quietly to myself] remembering how ridiculous this was. On of my friends had a sister in one of Orlando's classes. And they were in band together and stuff so they were sorta friends. She was instructed to casually mention "so you know Lauren likes you" and then she would report back with what he said so that I would know how to proceed. Like I said 0% success rate with getting my crushes to ask me out. 

So now I was mortified. This guy that I had spent weeks being as friendly to as possible I now was unable to face. I changed all my routes in the hallways to no longer cross paths with him. I avoided places I knew he went, whatever would ensure that I never had to run into him. This mostly worked.

One day, my calculations were off. Unfortunately he frequently used the hallway that my locker resided in. I don't know why but there were not a lot of people in the halls at the time. I came out of a stairwell and started to turn down the hallway to go to my locker. Then I saw him walking my way. PANIC!!!! I have never done well in situations like this. I didn't want to continue down the hallway but I didn't want him to see me bolt off in the other direction.  So what did I do?
I literally LEPT forward to clear the hallway opening and then ran down the perpendicular hallway and down the nearest stairwell. As soon as it happened I knew that was the worst possible decision. But maybe no one saw? Maybe I was so ninja-like that it was like I was never there. 
Danielle had happened to be walking down the hall behind Orlando. She saw. She cracked up and then mocked me in homeroom until it was time to go to class. And informed me that he probably saw. I know what you're thinking. Yes she was a shitty f-ing friend.

So I'm not a ninja. Should have tried being a pirate instead.

Orlando's not going to be in the new one but here's the trailer anyway.


  1. Oh, Lauren... I would have been your friend in school and we could have been socially awkward together. :)

  2. Ah, high school. What a time for awkward relationships and even more awkward rejections. Unfortunately, I faced the latter more often than the former.

  3. Hahah, that was funny - well written! I can share similar awkwardness in high school....and beyond. :)

  4. You're a funny one! I left you a little something on my blog if you particpate in that kinda thing!

  5. When I was in middle school, a kid asked me if I had “ever even HAD a boyfriend?!” To which I replied, “Um, no, I’m twelve.” Thenceforth I was officially a lesbian as far as any of my classmates were concerned. When I cut my hair to an adorable pixie cut two years later, well, that just clinched it.

    And for some reason, the denim skirts caption cracked me up.

  6. @stacey: That would have been awesome! I bet we would have stayed friends unlike all of my other so-called-friends I went to high school with.

    @robofthesky: Me too... me too.

    @catlady: Thanks! I'm still really awkward too, sucks except for when it's comical.

    @Lesley: AWESOME!!! My first award!!!

    @NYCliche: Thanks!

    @Liddy: Ew! When I was in like 7th grade I remember walking home behind the 3rd graders talking about their past and current relationships and thinking wtf you're 10! And whatevs I didn't have a boyfriend til I graduated HS (the guys who did like me we're pretty bleh)


    "Maybe I was so ninja-like that it was like I was never there."

    "In my younger days I wore denim skirts a lot."

    Oh my gosh! Seriously cracking up. High school crush stories are embarrassing!

    I have a lots of funny/embrassing crush stories too. I had a crush on my this guy who was on my brother's football team. So every time I dropped my brother off at football I said "Tell Trevor I said hi!" After a few weeks of my brother doing this one day he comes back and says "Trevor says to tell you that his GIRLFRIEND says hi back."

    Fail. lol.

  8. @Ebun: haha oh shit that sucks. I never had a crush on my bro's friends but I think my mom always thought they should date me cause she would be like "such and such is cute..." and I was like "yeah and?" I did have a couple crushes on friends brothers tho. Never worked out.
    What's funny is that your brother actually did it.

  9. My brother probably knew he had a girlfriend...

  10. ROFL at all the comments especially ebunadewumi :P

    In 7th grade I had a crush on a guy only coz every other girl had a crush on him. And then they called me a loser because I admitted to have been crushing on him and no one else did. High school = bad memories in the crush department. My high school had losers anyway, except me :P

    I agree the denim skirt pic caption IS hilarious!

  11. Been there! Except I didn't admit to that one... well not till other people had given up on him, but that one didn't work out either. Loooooooong story.